California Grape Growers: All They Ever Do Is Wine, Wine, Wine

Thanks to the popularity of the movie Sideways, in which the main wine-connoisseur character, Miles, screams "I'm NOT drinking any FUCKING MERLOT!", merlot sales have, like, totally slumped, dude.

Which is a shame, because a good merlot can be a great wine, even to have around the house. And, those of us who understood the movie know that Miles' hatred of merlot is simple: People like his actor best friend, Jack, would drink it happily without a thought. Plus, his hatred of merlot ties into his hatred of all wines other than Pinot Noir. Why? Because he is Pinot Noir. When he says:

"It's a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and... ancient on the planet."

We all know he's talking about himself. He's explaining himself to Maya, and why he's such a psychological mess, needing someone who is "the most patient and nurturing of growers" to "coax" him into his "fullest expression".

Shame such a smart allegory would threaten to ruin the livelihoods of merlot growers in Wine Country. They deserve something better than that.

Even if a good percentage of what they produce is "Quaffable... but far from transcendent."