Fifth Annual War on Christmas

Sometimes it seems like Americans walk around deliberately looking for stupid things to be offended by. In the months of November and December, however, this strange compulsion gets amped up to 11 in the now annual cultural battles of what conservative commentators gleefully refer to as the War on Christmas.

I've written about this kind of ridiculousness before on other forums, mostly in a more outraged fashion, but here I'd like to mention some of the more amusing segments of this years' War that I've spotted so far.

In San Carlos Park, Florida, neighbors are expressing outrage over a Christmas nativity scene, featuring a black baby Jesus, and wise men and shepherds represented by toy monkeys and other animals. The creche was, however, created by the five children of a devout Christian woman who sees no harm in the way the scene is depicted. The neighbors, of course, want her remove it, calling it a "mockery". Silly neighbors.

A Long Island, New York school bus driver was nearly fired for wearing a Santa hat, because one of the kids he drives doesn't believe in Santa. That's right, a parent called the company to complain about a red and white hat. The same red and white hat he's been wearing every winter for the last five years. Silly parents.

In Hazleton, Pennsylvania, a mocking website has appeared to take stabs at the mayor, who earlier this year passed an ordinance that penalizes local businesses for using illegal immigrants. The site, called nosantaforhazleton.com, claims that as Santa would fall under the legal definition of illegal immigrant, Hazleton doesn't want him there. It is a hoax, but a very clever and funny hoax. Who said the Americans have no sense of sarcasm.

A new report has also been released just in time for this year's battle, which claims that 8 percent of Americans will not shop at a store if it doesn't have Christmas decorations up. It also claims about 40 percent of shoppers "continued to express displeasure at the lack of Christmas decorations in retail stores..." and that many shoppers will actively decide not to shop at that store again if there was no or little decorations. So Santa hat school bus driver bad; tree in store good.

In Colorado, a woman is facing being fined $25 a day for hanging a wreath in the shape of a peace sign on the front door of her own property. Apparently neighbors are happier to misinterpret the peace sign as a 'Satanic symbol celebrating the defeat of Christ'. Obviously, that's exactly how the Prince of Peace would have interpreted it as well.

No matter which side of the war you fight for, you probably won't win. Americans just want to punish you somehow, and if it doesn't involve losing your job, it may very well be Mariah Carey's version of All I Want For Christmas being blasted at you in the store for the 100th time. But let's face it, when you discover that even Richard Dawkins celebrates Christmas, it's probably more fun to sit back, grab some nog and watch the hilarity ensue from afar, safe in the knowledge that no one is targeting you this year, and praying for the day when there'll be a ceasefire.